Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in shrtncurlygrrrl's LiveJournal:

Friday, January 11th, 2008
12:39 pm	obviously Not posting in here for fifteen weeks has done nothing to the functionality of this account. LJ does not kill unused accounts. (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 18th, 2005
10:58 pm	Bent I surely am bent: slightly serpentine, even. It isn't so long since I've praised a fetish object of mine (bamboo), and the astute may well have realised that I have a Thing for toys. I'll be accurate here and say I am somewhat cathected onto dildos, massagers and rather mild-mannered leather objects. And I'm queer! Oh yes, quite strongly orientation-queer: I'm attracted to and aesthetically distracted by women. Mostly. Sometimes there is a fellow I fancy: ordinarily a bi guy who violates the Gender Norms of my society (thoroughly, one hopes, they're crying out for it), and I want to do things like stroke various ticklish parts of his anatomy, make him come often or terribly hard, and so on. You catch my drift, I imagine. I have an admission to make, however: when I fancy a fellow it comes at least partially from my early fantasy life as a boy who just happened to grow up to be Very Gay. So that's bent too, I suppose. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 17th, 2005
8:31 pm	BDSM Gracious audience, I know what this means, but am a tyro. Chocolate sprinkes on vanilla and sexualising events accidental or intended otherwise make up my entire experience. If I haven't done it consensually, I assert haven't done it, mind. Alas. I have previously alluded to my difficulty in engaging in sex at all (see below if new to this lj): I'm at war with myself. It must be horribly confusing and off-putting to have me vacillate, writhe or turn incoherent. I expect it puts possible play partners (and lovers) off. If a person is kinky, it's known and been shown that the right BDSM activity with a skilled partner can bring them through barriers, of this kind and others. The position I'm in is a bit like the illiterate expected to write for help: my problem lies in beginning. With men I can, if I feel very, very safe with them, volunteer, but it does tend to come out over-loud or extreme, or too muted. Mixed messages are likely to put a decent fellow off. With women I've almost never volunteered at all, and it's lesbian play I want so very much to try right now. I'm still chained to this wretched toaster oven that surely someone wants or needs! E-bay isn't an option! Snogging only did't count, o stoopidest of separatists! The aspect of BDSM that most appeals to me is sm in the form of corporal punishment, meted out in scenes with a high camp, satirical, ridiculous or funny slant. If I feel bullied, humiliated or harrassed, I won't get an endorphin rush. I know from aversive experience that I'll go into full adrenalin flight-or-fight, and that ain't fun for me, and wouldn't be for any prospective top reading this. Costumes appeal. I may look absurd in school uniform or whatever, and an academic gown may not be the top's favourite cape, but I'd quite like it once in a while. Or Blake's Seven gear. And so on. Masks, yes. Oh. Um. I'm aware that work-arounds for the sake of reciprocity may very well be required, and will negotiate. I've a safe-word I feel comfortable I can get out if necessary. I do draw the line absolutely at playing with scat, activities that cause noticeable scarring or those that may impede my already compromised breathing in any way. Am I so odd? More importantly, where are the Active Tops Of Yesteryear? (Comment on this)
Monday, April 11th, 2005
7:16 pm	Beat Many will agree, I imagine, that it would be beyond tedious if I were to post yet again about my kink. So instead I shall focus on corporal punishment. I am absolutely, completely and unequivocally against corporal punishment being used as a training method or other means of control, with the exception of properly negotiated, fully consensual scenes. It's assault, and I'm against that, too. I grew up surrounded by incidents of assault. The books I read, mostly written in England, portrayed corporal punishment in schools as something that predictably occurred after children deliberately violated obvious, easily-understood rules, and only then. That wasn't what I saw (and heard). Kids (and others) were hit when the mood was on those with power: capriciously, viciously and from positions of unquestioned mastery. I see it as a slippery slope: once a person started hitting for generally accepted reasons, all too often it escalated. And even if not, there were long-term problems clearly deriving from a culture of violence. We still have those problems. They're generational. And people are still permitted to hit their kids, smack them a lot. It's only when a child has obvious marks and behavioural troubles that Human Services is likely to step in. No, I wasn't beaten, I was only slapped now and then. But others were: many children, a good few wives, most every male who was arrested, and so on. Abu Ghraib isn't irrelevant, either, nor is the Stanford Prison Experiment. People can easily become abusers *unless there are serious sanctions against it*. So it disturbs me somewhat that I'm a pain slut: I see some of it coming from my sick culture. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 30th, 2004
9:10 am	BDSM Gracious audience, I know what this means, but am a tyro. Chocolate sprinkes on vanilla and sexualising events accidental or intended otherwise make up my entire experience. If I haven't done it consensually, I assert haven't done it, mind. Alas. I have previously alluded to my difficulty in engaging in sex at all (see below if new to this lj): I'm at war with myself. It must be horribly confusing and off-putting to have me vacillate, writhe or turn incoherent. I expect it puts possible play partners (and lovers) off. If a person is kinky, it's known and been shown that the right BDSM activity with a skilled partner can bring them through barriers, of this kind and others. The position I'm in is a bit like the illiterate expected to write for help: my problem lies in beginning. With men I can, if I feel very, very safe with them, volunteer, but it does tend to come out over-loud or extreme, or too muted. Mixed messages are likely to put a decent fellow off. With women I've almost never volunteered at all, and it's lesbian play I want so very much to try right now. I'm still chained to this wretched toaster oven that surely someone wants or needs! E-bay isn't an option! Snogging only didn't count, oh stoopidest of separatists! The aspect of BDSM that most appeals to me is sm in the form of corporal punishment, meted out in scenes with a high camp, satirical, ridiculous or funny slant. If I feel bullied, humiliated or harrassed, I won't get an endorphin rush. I know from aversive experience that I'll go into full adrenalin flight-or-fight, and that ain't fun for me, and wouldn't be for any prospective top reading this. Costumes appeal. I may look absurd in school uniform or whatever, and an academic gown may not be the top's favourite cape, but I'd quite like it once in a while. Or Blake's Seven gear. And so on. Masks, yes. Oh. Um. I'm aware that work-arounds for the sake of reciprocity may very well be required, and will negotiate. I've a safe-word I feel comfortable I can get out if necessary. I do draw the line absolutely at playing with scat, activities that cause noticeable scarring or those that may impede my already compromised breathing in any way. Am I so odd? More importantly, where are the Active Tops Of Yesteryear? Current Mood: giddy (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 28th, 2004
1:10 pm	Bamboo It is the Queen of all grasses, the source of shelter, transport, tools and even food for millions, and a desirable horticultural and artistic subject. It also a fetish of mine. I don't quite know when I erotically cathected onto it: perhaps my interest in the sensation from being struck with sticks became focused on bamboo when I read the Molesworth books by Ronald Searle. I'm not sure. I do know that I don't mind: I enjoy this kink no end. Last Thursday I was in a shop (Fettered Pleasures) where they were selling Skool Kanes: the kind with the curved handle. I've never seen real ones: until now I've only admired bits of bamboo sold as garden stakes, growing out of the Good Earth, or as part of furniture (that I'd rather like to bend over). Another aspect of this particular kink is the emotional lure of Showing Brave, that is having the spirit to assume and hold the position without restraint, as was traditional with caning. This comes I'm sure from putting up with having (for example) allergy tests, physically exactly equivalent to (in my case) having over a hundred smallpox immunisations inflicted on the back at one time, annually from the age of six. I was highly praised for taking that without complaint or flinch. (I will admit that when the welts ran together and they had to re-test on my inner arms sometimes I felt *very* cranky though). Those tests and other uncomfortable medical procedures didn't and don't give me a tenth the endorphin rush of a good swat though, and I'm sure it will be admitted by many that it's a crying shame that I haven't been swatted with my fetish object. I suppose that a sudden lurch of the womb that has one actually jumping is a kind of climax. Writing this did it, as does thinking much about it. Does this mean that I have the potential to be a hot bottom? Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 1st, 2004
10:46 pm	Ass Few will be to shocked learn that I, O gracious audience, had not the animal of biblical fame (ridden or not) in mind when I selected this interest. Indeed I did not. Rather, it was the separatist-defying, prude-denying 'Male Gaze' that I have long trained upon the Nether Regions of the innocent and ignorant, corrupt and wise alike. All I ask is that there be a certain plumpness and force of well-exercised salacious habit will hook my attention faster than one can say, well, Bum. I expect I shall cover tits soon, indiscretely. Current Mood: tongue in um, cheek (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 25th, 2004
11:01 am	Again this isn't a jolly-hockey sticks entry. I find I can't come up with one for every item in my interests list, at least not without running out of ideas early on in the alphabet. A well-Trained Victim, otherwise known as an abuse Survivor, that's me. Again means to me: oh no not again, zie is doing that again, here we go again, I'm freaking out again, how can I escape again. Like that. I couldn't get past this to find an amusing anecdote. I've very clear impressions of some bad stuff early on- visual images, emotional storms. I do think I'd have got past that well enough without the stuff that started shortly after puberty and several other horrendous and operose subsequent events (and few minor ickies which seem Huge to the Innocent). So eventually I landed up in the office of a counselor at CASA, the government agency responsible for band-aiding the sexually assaulted. I was referred by a hospital, which is enough detail I guess. (And CASA lodged a complaint on my behalf to the Police Ombudsman, which may be a little more for the imaginative amongst you.) In time CASA sent me to a workshop called "Reclaiming Sexuality After Childhood Sexual Abuse", which was kewl I suppose, and I learned heaps, and they were pleased at my contribution, but I reclaimed very little, probably because a lot of the Bad Stuff happened after my Brane gelled. And I had PTSD at the time but was still managing to seem very healed (part of the Training. Why didn't they know this?). If I am to reclaim a sexuality enacted in the world rather than in my head off and alone, I've come to the conclusion it can't be by an obvious route. Goodness knows, I've tried on and off. So, like many another before me, I'm going to see if the right kind of BDSM (for me) can heal. I'm lucky that I'm kinky. Current Mood: nervous (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 19th, 2004
5:11 am	Active This has such a jolly, positive sound! I picture muscular and graceful activities in a sunny outdoor setting. And Xena. I can't do that sort of thing much: my body doesn't function too well. Rather a nuisance. However this journal serves to direct my personal journey towards active sexual engagement, deflected and blunted by survivor issues until now. Can I be active in a Scene? I imagine myself as being so, using toys -including instruments of correction on occasion, and further that I've found someone who eagerly negotiates this with me. It isn't something I've done: this is one of a basket of cherries I could lose. Should I? Current Mood: inquisitive (Comment on this)